un: WHEATLEY - voice

[testgasm]

[Hello new friends it’s WHEATLEY TIME. Do you know what that is? No? You are about to find out. If you haven’t met Wheatley, perhaps this cheerful British voice is new to you. If you have, well. Hello. It’s the metal soccer ball guy.]

GREETINGS, hello, hi, this is a—this is a PSA, that is, public service announcement, for those of you not—not in the know. That’s what it means. An announcement that is of service to the public, i.e., you.

It’s come to my attention that most of you are human, and possibly have only ever met other humans! Which is—that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. You are fairly populous, after all, even inter-dimensionally, it seems, but in discovering this, I’ve realized that most of you are not accustomed to anything or, uh, anyone who is not. Not human. Or organic, even. Like me!

So I’m sure you’re wondering, if you, ah. If we haven’t met. [He lowers his voice—this is his impression of everyone else, apparently.] Wheatley, what are you? You’re just a little…a little metal football guy, how are you talking and moving, and thinking for yourself, and telling me not to touch you? Doesn’t make any sense to me, and, additionally, d’you mind if I give you a kick? A little shake, to see what’s going on? There can’t possibly be anyone alive in there, I only recognize sapience in fellow humans, or human-shaped individuals, and maybe also dogs.

[That’s you. That’s what you sound like.]

Unfortunately, those sorts of questions and, uh, actions are—are insensitive. How would you like it, if I came up to you, and picked you up and shook you about before even saying hello? You wouldn’t like it, is what I’d imagine. But that’s—that’s okay! I understand not all of you are familiar with robots, or artificial intelligence, especially not one as advanced as I am. Only natural.

Just thought I should clear it up, then. I do—I am, perhaps, not dissimilar to one of your human footballs, at least aesthetically, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean you can treat me like one. I’m a passenger here, same as the rest of you, so I’d greatly appreciate it if I didn’t have to worry about any…bodily harm. In my future, because someone thought it might be funny to knock me around.

[Cough.]

Anyway, I think that's everything. Happy to stick around, answer questions, provided they're not rude. Good to meet everyone, glad to be on this journey with you, etcetera.

Comments

[shiftybladesofcray]

Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing.

Anyway, what's your purpose supposed to be? Seems counterintuitive to be shaped like a football.

[testgasm]

i'll have you know i got on just fine

a sphere is a sensible shape

compact

it's impossible not to read that Britishly

[shiftybladesofcray]

and what exactly is it sensible for?

What's your purpose?

[testgasm]

lots of things don't worry about it

also i'm not really a fan of that question

how'd you like it if i asked that to you

[shiftybladesofcray]

I'd have an answer for you.

I'm a novelist.

See? Simple. Your turn.

[testgasm]

that's an occupation not a purpose

if you wanted my job you should've just asked

[shiftybladesofcray]

Well it IS a purpose where I'm from. I was selected from the entirety of my country as the Ultimate Writing Prodigy. It's my duty to fulfill that talent. I'm not in it for the money or fame, like other half-wit hacks.

But all right. If you insist on being cagey, your job is...?

[testgasm]

i was the central AI of a research facility if you must know

[shiftybladesofcray]

Research for what?

[testgasm]

science

[testgasm]

lots of things

quantum physics mostly

[shiftybladesofcray]

And what's the need for secrecy about that? We're surrounded by people who've supposedly never seen a cell phone before.

[testgasm]

i already told you i'm perfectly okay talking about my job

what else do you want to know

[shiftybladesofcray]

Oh I don't know. What sort of quantum physics? Is astrophysics applications?
Computer sciences? Military weapons?

Illuminate me. I'm a liberal arts girl, not a STEM kid. I need clarification.

[testgasm]

we developed the aperture science handheld portal device

it's exactly what it sounds like

[shiftybladesofcray]

Handheld portal? Do you mean to the internet?

[Or....this is all very speculative fiction, could he mean...]

Or was it a literal portal?

[testgasm]

makes holes

literal portals

[shiftybladesofcray]

If you had that gun, could it make an exit here?

[GIVE....TO TOKO!!!!!!!!]

[testgasm]

if you had the forethought to put the other end somewhere else

sure

there isn't one here though so it's kind of a moot point

[shiftybladesofcray]

So it would only work if you had set up the exit before going on the train?

[USELESS]

Nevermind. If we find a car with spare parts you should try building a better one.

[testgasm]

yeah it's like a quantum tunnel

and it's not like you can just build one out of car parts don't be ridiculous

[shiftybladesofcray]

I meant a train car with parts of whatever it is you need, obviously. Of course I don't expect you to make an escape tunnel from a ratty old van.

At any rate you're just as useless as the rest of us, so all we can do is wait for something promising in another car.

[testgasm]

well if you find a black hole with which i can use to build the portal device be sure to let me know

[shiftybladesofcray]

Yes I'm sure that's how you developed a handheld gun that shoots little tunnel holes in the walls.

Entering deep space and harnessing a force so destructive it rips entire planets apart.

[testgasm]

that's silly

we made one in-house

portable