un: WHEATLEY - voice

[testgasm]

[Hello new friends it’s WHEATLEY TIME. Do you know what that is? No? You are about to find out. If you haven’t met Wheatley, perhaps this cheerful British voice is new to you. If you have, well. Hello. It’s the metal soccer ball guy.]

GREETINGS, hello, hi, this is a—this is a PSA, that is, public service announcement, for those of you not—not in the know. That’s what it means. An announcement that is of service to the public, i.e., you.

It’s come to my attention that most of you are human, and possibly have only ever met other humans! Which is—that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. You are fairly populous, after all, even inter-dimensionally, it seems, but in discovering this, I’ve realized that most of you are not accustomed to anything or, uh, anyone who is not. Not human. Or organic, even. Like me!

So I’m sure you’re wondering, if you, ah. If we haven’t met. [He lowers his voice—this is his impression of everyone else, apparently.] Wheatley, what are you? You’re just a little…a little metal football guy, how are you talking and moving, and thinking for yourself, and telling me not to touch you? Doesn’t make any sense to me, and, additionally, d’you mind if I give you a kick? A little shake, to see what’s going on? There can’t possibly be anyone alive in there, I only recognize sapience in fellow humans, or human-shaped individuals, and maybe also dogs.

[That’s you. That’s what you sound like.]

Unfortunately, those sorts of questions and, uh, actions are—are insensitive. How would you like it, if I came up to you, and picked you up and shook you about before even saying hello? You wouldn’t like it, is what I’d imagine. But that’s—that’s okay! I understand not all of you are familiar with robots, or artificial intelligence, especially not one as advanced as I am. Only natural.

Just thought I should clear it up, then. I do—I am, perhaps, not dissimilar to one of your human footballs, at least aesthetically, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean you can treat me like one. I’m a passenger here, same as the rest of you, so I’d greatly appreciate it if I didn’t have to worry about any…bodily harm. In my future, because someone thought it might be funny to knock me around.

[Cough.]

Anyway, I think that's everything. Happy to stick around, answer questions, provided they're not rude. Good to meet everyone, glad to be on this journey with you, etcetera.

Comments

un: frostwind; voice

[frostblooded]

[He's been keeping an eye on his wondrous new gadget, and as such, he's seen some of the very overt threats made to Wheatley's ... person. While he can't fault the others for caution, he has to admit that Wheatley seems quite articulate as far as automatons go.]

Oh, my. Kicking and shaking? What sort of brute would torment you so? Rest assured, I'll not permit any such untoward behavior in my vicinity.

[testgasm]

Uh, a non-zero number of us, that's who. But it's fine! I understand that there may have been some confusion about--about my individuality, or. Ability to feel pain.

So, the sentiment is appreciated, but that's what this announcement is for. Get it all out there, clear things up, and hopefully it won't be a problem going forward. Nice of you to offer, though.

[frostblooded]

Seems a bit optimistic, if you don't mind me saying so.

NOT HERE.

[flamebears]

[ "what sort of brute" indeed! ]

[frostblooded]

[fight me, binch]

un: boarprince

[overruns]

[ verbose, but informative. besides, wheatley is right and deserves to be treated like a perfectly average passenger, he thinks. ]

I admit I've never encountered a robot before. All the same, I hope we might get along. [ ... ] And should anyone decide to pick a fight with you over your... physical dissimilarities, I am willing to have a stern word with them.

[ or punch them! probably punch them. ]

[testgasm]

That's okay! That's what--that's what this post is for. Clear up a few misconceptions. Hopefully it won't be a problem after this, but your offer is, uh. Appreciated.

[overruns]

[ hopefully. but also, what necessitated this. why has it been a problem. ]

...I'm a little surprised you've managed to run into trouble already. [ they just got here... ]

@nefelibata

[shiftybladesofcray]

[WELL WELL WELL.]

An A.I., hmm?

I should have known that's why you were acting so suspicious.

[There was literally no way she could have guessed but you can't prove that either.]

[testgasm]

still not sure what was suspicious about any of it but okay i guess

at least you know what an AI is

[shiftybladesofcray]

It's quite all right. You're not as sophisticated as the A.I. I've met, so you can't be expected to understand nuance.

un: noctua

[flamebears]

I, for one, apologize for my misconduct. You have a passing resemblance automatons from my world.

Though, they are less chatty. [ and don't bother with being un-hostile tbh ]

[testgasm]

It's--well, it's okay. There's no way you could have known. Just, uh, please don't do it again.

[flamebears]

[ a brute he may be, but wheatley makes a valid point! ]

I'll endeavor not to, without due cause.

[flamebears]

[ adding, vaguely amused: ]

You're called 'Wheatley'?

voice; un: zuzu

[cuedoves]

So you're a man, but you're made of metal? And ... shaped like a ball?

[ wtf ]

[testgasm]

Well, no, I'm not a man. I mean, the people who built me gave me male programming, but it's not like I'm a human person shoved into a metal ball. That would be ridiculous.

[cuedoves]

It's no less ridiculous than you being a talking... metal ball....

text, un: lottieperson

[oomfies]

hi! ✨ i actually have a question! :)
did you choose to be british?

not here

[7edacted]

[you can't just ask someone why they're british, lottie.]

[testgasm]

the accent? no that's programmed in

can't say i really mind it though i think it suits me

[oomfies]

oh, okay! i was just wondering if it was a siri situation.. lol

is there another accent you'd like to try for fun? like, french or something?
or are you stuck with that one forever??

[7edacted]

Interesting. Were you always a robot, or did you once have a human body?

[testgasm]

What? No, I was never--that's a bit silly, don't you think?

[7edacted]

I don't see what's silly about it. Not any more silly than a train with a city of dogs in one of it's cars.