UN: BOMBAF | TEXT

[himbomb]

do ya think they call it gruel cause it rhymes with "cruel???"

bc that's what bein forced 2 slurp up this shit is

or maybe it's the sound ur supposed to make when u eventually hack it up later, idfk

Comments

[himbomb]

books aren't really my thing

[Oh no. Rex prefers to get his intellectual stimulation elsewhere- Old stand up specials, the comedy greats! That and he loves to fuck with technology on his downtime, when he isn't schmoozing or boozing. He also enjoys inhabiting bizarre corners of forum type spaces like Reddit or otherwise operating incognito, learning about the kind of people who want to fuck evil clowns or remaster Furbies into horrifying monstrosities for their own enjoyment.]

look! saving the world constantly means you've got no time for other shit! there's always aliens, or fires, or nutjobs who think it's cool to blow up buses full of school children!

also don't think i don't see u! u never said what makes ya happy

why

is it shady

is it weird

[Herein lies another one of Rex's past times- When he is actually curious about other entities, he does everything within his power to find out more about them. Wheatley doesn't have any interest in food or sex, which makes sense, seeing as those are in some way innate physiological responses.]

[testgasm]

yes i can tell

[aliens??? saving the world??? buses full of children??? that's too much, man.]

i like books to answer your question

and tests and puzzles none of which is shady or weird thanks

[himbomb]

really?

[...Ah. An opening. Preferably one that's less hostile.]

well, what're ur favorites? genres, titles

whatever

come at me robobro! c'mooooon

name a few

[testgasm]

yes really

i've read pretty much every book ever written so it's hard to narrow it down but i do like mysteries

sherlock holmes that sort of thing

[himbomb]

whoa

so ur in2 mysteries then?

well, right on!

[It goes with the whole solving puzzles and enjoying tests bit. Noted.]

u a fan of that... who tf is that lady writer with the name that's ugly as all hell?

agnes christmas?

[Agatha Christie.]

[testgasm]

well i'm into a lot of things but many of the books are so difficult and complicated that i'm not even going to bother explaining them to you so we can talk about the mysteries instead

i do know who you're referring to she wrote the one about people getting murdered on a train

wish i had a copy with me i bet it would come in handy

SPOILERS FOR INVINCIBLE PAST S1

[himbomb]

okay, dude?

most books aren't even that complicated. they're just a bunch of stupid phony person words! i could tap into and doctor video feeds and find people who didn't want to be found.

and not just missing persons aite!!!!

[What Rex is trying to hint at is that he had been competent enough for the most dangerous levels of corporate espionage and complicated security hacks- All when he was still a child.

He persists, even though he should be well aware that the brags will fall on deaf ears. His childhood had been spent training, doing dangerous shit! Rex may not have completed a single day of school past the sixth grade, but since he is anything but invincible, he's had to rely on his intellect to survive. His quick thinking, creativity, and experience are why he was selected for the new Guardians of the Globe, not that anyone else would know, what with all his clowning around and boorish prattle.]

and that was without my superpowers

try and hand one of my old missions off to some regular dumbass and they'd get shot in under three minutes

[Or less, most likely. To say Rex doesn't mean to be judgmental is not even putting it lightly, it's the opposite of the truth. He's rather unimpressed with the lack of intellect he's seen so far, it's alarming.]

just about anyone can read a damn novel

but writing one? that's actually good? a stack of pages drippin' in ink that's long and not borin enough for people to want to read?

now that takes actual 'nads and aaah

noggin 2

[testgasm]

[Wheatley is increasingly feeling like he's lost the plot, and possibly that there's a lot of weird compensation going on here. He is, at least, starting to put things together. Superpowers? Sure, fine. It wouldn't be the strangest thing he's ever heard.

The thinly-veiled insults to his intelligence, however, are a little more grating. Who does this guy think he is!??]

all right fine write a book then if you're so smart

[possibly he will look forward to it!]

[himbomb]

well, fine! maybe i will!

[Huffily!!!]

is it ok if i draw dicks on the cover

u kno, like the lil paper-y inside part of it

right below the author's note

???

[testgasm]

if you want me to take it seriously

no

[himbomb]

well it doesn't hafta be serious!

it can be funny too, shit! in fact, it should be funny! 'cause funny's what i do best

[Oh boy. To be fair, he is right- When he's trying his damned hardest and has a little bit more context regarding his audience, Rex is quite the comedian. Even if his jokes are usually pretty off-color.]

it'll be a funny mystery

The Mystery of the Missing Jen-Eatels.

[Pronounced "genitals."]

a story in three parts! about the daughter and mom of the bougie ass jen-eatel family, who mysteriously go missing one morning after a fateful golf-carting incident

[testgasm]

oh yeah i'm definitely gonna have to see this

but in the 'can't look away from a car crash' sort of way

[himbomb]

hey! but if ya get a kick out of it

whether it’s genius or straight up garbage!

i still managed to make you laugh, that’s gotta count 4 somethin

[testgasm]

if i laugh at all it will probably be out of pity just warning you now

i mean if that gets your rocks off then sure whatever but i don't want to hear about it

[himbomb]

well! at least we know you can feel pity!

[The conversation could just end here, and yet, somehow it gets even worse.]

have you ever been in love?

[BRUH WHY U ASKIN SUCH PERSONAL QUESTIONS]

you may not b able 2 do the kissy kissy part but have u ever gone googoo gaga over some robo chick

[S T O P]

or robo

dick? ??? somethin somethin metal disco stick? 💞💞💞

that was a song a while back, i think

[testgasm]

as i have repeatedly established i feel lots of things all of the things you humans feel but probably not in the way you're used to feeling them

because as we have discussed i'm thankfully incapable of physical responses like sweating crying vomiting and other miscellaneous side effects of being in love etc

it's all very lofty and intellectual i don't expect you to understand

[himbomb]

aaaaah... why do you keep repeating the exact same words over and over?

also, what you've just described is a panic attack, not bein in love? if someone says they're in love and is pukin their guts out just dial 911 he's probably mixed some molly into a molotov cocktail

[Rex is used to being underestimated, and while it usually gets under his skin, he's beginning to wonder.

That line's been repeated to him at least three times now, from what he can immediately recall.]

are you gonna go all murder she wrote on us if you start buggin out on some shit ooooooor

[testgasm]

i keep saying it because you keep asking me these kinds of questions and it's getting exhausting

i'm not some kind of puzzle for you to figure out

[himbomb]

i guess not

[This is also a very public space. Rex is trying to understand Wheatley in his own way, but it's true- He's looking at this from the perspective of a flesh and blood human being, an experience which Wheatley doesn't share and doesn't seem to want to.]

so, you don't want that?

someone to figure you out?

[Once again, he's doing more of the same.]

welp, okay!

guess i better start brainstormin

[Will he ever write that novel only for Wheatley to roast him, time will tell.]

[testgasm]

why would i want that all you've done so far is ask me a bunch of invasive questions

look i'm not about to write all this off i'm a reasonable individual but i don't fancy being interrogated all the time

[himbomb]

well, if i wasn't such a nosy piece of shit, i wouldn't know anything about your whole whodunnit obsession

and i wouldn't have come up with any ideas for my genius bestseller mystery extravaganza, written by yours truly

[Wheatley has a point- Rex isn't the best at getting to know anyone who doesn't run in his very small, very specific circle of super-people, and even then, most of them would be quick to exclaim that he happens to be very unpleasant.]

look! if you don't wanna get the fifth degree from me, fine! why don't you ask me an question that'll grind my nonexistent gears, huh?

go ahead! i'll bite

[oh no this is actually dangerous]

just 4 u 👉🏽👌🏽👅💞

[testgasm]

can you

for once in your life

muster up your one brain cell and speak to me without making it a weird sex thing

[himbomb]

i mean

it’s possible

[testgasm]

i'm not sure i believe you

[himbomb]

well then, that's up to you!

i've been known to tell the truth on occasion! i guess you'll hafta stick around and find out