un: WHEATLEY - video

[testgasm]

[Having more-or-less adjusted to his new limbs (how nice, limbs, especially metal ones that don't squish), Wheatley finds himself a little smug, even if he's not entirely coordinated or entirely comfortable with this situation. He will pretend to be, and that’s what matters.

Here’s one for all the people who kicked him or shook him or picked him up without his permission when he was an orb. He’s still an orb, but now the orb is on top of a metal body, with arms and legs and everything.]

Check me out!

[He doesn’t seem to be an holding e2-issued phone, or anything really, because he’s waving into what seems to be a mirror in one of the vacation car spas—the logical conclusion is that he is recording and broadcasting this with whatever kind of camera lives in his eye-face.]

Pretty nice, right? Got a little notification on the network program, up here, thought I’d give it a little look-see, and bam! Arms and legs! So, that’s neat. Certainly thoughtful of whoever runs this place. I suppose there's some—some appeal. Thumbs.

[Look he’s doing it he’s giving a double thumbs-up.]

Anyway, thought I should publicize this new development. For all the, uh. For everyone who carried me everywhere, thanks very much, and— [This part sounds a little malicious.] —also for everyone who thought it was a good idea to kick me, or drop me, or knock me around. No more of that. Putting my foot down. I have those, now, I can do that.

I suppose, if it's necessary, I could still—I can explain robots to whoever still needs that explained to them, though honestly if you haven't caught on by now I'm not sure there's hope for you.

[Cough.]

Right, that's all! Just wanted to pop in with that update. Thumbs. And, also. Legs. Walking. Love it. Very cool.

Comments

[testgasm]

So far, yes. I don't exactly have anything to compare it to, but everything seems to be functioning the way it's supposed to.

Didn't come with any protocols, so we're, uh. Learning to use it the old-fashioned way. It's a work in progress.

[testgasm]

well i'm not a pokemon i thought we went over this

but i guess now that you explain it i can see how you'd make that connection

[testgasm]

Look, maybe you want to pretend you didn't treat me the way you did, but I haven't forgotten, just 'cause I've got legs now.

[He's got a bit of a thing about being dropped and otherwise knocked around--doubly so if it's malicious. Despite the fact that now he knows this whole train ride is about self improvement, he still finds it difficult not to hold a grudge.]

Anyway, I'm not going to do a split.

[himbomb]

Uh, who's pretending, exactly? I know what I did. I don't have brain damage!

[um... the jury's still out on that]

Or well, none as of recent, anyways! Look, look, look. If you've still got your wires all up in a bunch over me dropkickin' ya in the tavern, I get it! That floor was nasty. Are you willing to let bygones be bygones if I try and make it up to you?

Okay, okay, screw the splits. We're teachin' you how to do the stanky leg later. Y'know! So you can impress all your other ro-bros, wherever they may be.

[Rex has a bad habit of pissing off the wrong people, and Wheatley is no exception. What the young superhero sees as something of a game clearly rubs the robot the wrong way, although thankfully, he's been able to pick up on that. Rex harbors his own litany of deep-ridden insecurity complexes, so they're fairly easy to spot in others.]

What? So finally being able to walk doesn't make you wanna dance?

[rex... how is wheatley supposed 2 kno what the stanky leg is... he was invented by uncool nerds in the heart of a michigan laboratory (right whitt? god fuck)

pls cease talking over the poor round boi]

[onlyhope]

Sometimes that is the best way. Besides, you know a thing or two about droids. I imagine you will know rather quickly if something is malfunctioning.

Anakin is very good at fixing things, if anything does go awry.

[unrepentant]

I'm flattered to be your backup plan. But I'm glad you're taking them out for a spin too.

Tempting as it is, don't worry about speed yet. It takes us a while to build up to that too. One step at a time is a good method!

[testgasm]

He did mention that! We've--discussed it before. He's on my list, if anything goes wrong.

[testgasm]

Well, it's not like I'll be able to fix myself, so--

[I have no fine motor skills.]

It's appreciated, really. I promise not to try running until I've got a handle on, uh. Everything else.

[unrepentant]

Maybe not right now, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time.

Got anything at the top of your new legs list? Skipping rope? Wearing pants?

[onlyhope]

So? Is there anything you want to do you couldn't have done before?

[testgasm]

I've got to say, that, uh, going wherever I want to go, no having to wait around for anyone to take me with them is--it's enjoyable. To say the least.

Holding things, too. Picking things up. And--and I'm sure you remember the, ah. Amount of individuals who thought it was all right knock me around, when we first got here. No worrying about that anymore! Also a plus.

[testgasm]

Pants? No, that seems--well, kind of weird, honestly. Can you imagine how ridiculous I'd look? Think I'll leave that business to you humans.

I've been practicing picking things up.

[kahunanu]

sometimes the trigger for them to evolve is touching them with a rare stone or trading them to someone else or being particularly affectionate to them.

1/2

[testgasm]

okay that's not what happened to me

[testgasm]

i think the train sent it

[snarkattack]

Laws only apply to people, right? And you're a robot, so.

How long were you going without hands anyway? Seems like an important thing to leave off.

[testgasm]

Well, I think that's just a matter of semantics. Anyway, this is my first go-round with hands, actually! After...some decades of not having hands. They built me without them, can you believe that? Not that I really knew what I was missing, until now, obviously.

[testgasm]

Right, well, I know brain damage, and non-brain damaged people usually offer an apology. Say I'm sorry.

[And then he'll decide whether or not to accept the apology, is what goes unsaid.]

I'm not even going to--to entertain discussion of your weird human dance rituals until I hear those words, with some amount of sincerity, just in case you were thinking of skating by on a technicality.

[himbomb]

Wow, Mussolini. I didn't know robots could be such nasty little dick-tators.

[He absolutely does. Robot can be... Strict. Even though everybody mostly chooses to disregard him when they can.

These are all useful observations to be filed away. Wheatley has every right to be upset after being royally dunked on, but what the little robot does have in common with Rex's own Robot is that something about their mechanical forms, and what they can and can't accomplish, has left them riddled with insecurities.]

Look, buddy. See these hands? No crossed fingers.

[He raises both hands up in the air so that they are visible over the feed, palms facing the video.]

I'm sorry.

[He does mean the words, even if he is leering a bit.

What Rex also knows, and what he sometimes uses against his so-called best friend himself, is that robots, no matter how sentient or clearly thoughtful they are, are often discriminated against. Treated like things with no feelings, as if they aren't alive.]

I may crack a few jokes here and there, but hey! If you've got enough self awareness to get your feefees hurt, I don't care if you're a green glob of goop or made of metal, when danger's on your fucking tail I'll be there to pull ya out of it.

Promise. Pinky.

[He holds his own up- That much is sincere.]

[onlyhope]

Indeed. You may even be the one carrying others around in the coming weeks.

[ He's grinning. Is he joking??? Hard to tell. ]

[testgasm]

[Wheatley will take it seriously either way.]

Oh, I might need to get a little more used to this, first. Not that I'd--I'd say no, if it was necessary, I guess it's only fair, but I wouldn't want to drop anyone. By accident.

[unrepentant]

Ah, but pants have pockets. Which you could use to store the things you're picking up.

How's that been going anyway? Was there trial and error with the grip sensors or is it pretty intuitive?

[testgasm]

Right. True. Agh, I didn't think of that. I can--I can see the appeal. Might want to work on owning a few things first, but I'll consider it.

That is...a work in progress. None of this came with any protocols, you see, so I've just been figuring it out the old fashioned way.

[onlyhope]

Yes, you make a good point. Perhaps best to start with something smaller.

[unrepentant]

[A nod] Yeah, that sounds rough.

[He knows how concerned Threepio always was with his protocols after all.]

For what it's worth, humans have to figure it out the old fashioned way too. If we can manage it, you'll be walking in no time.

And if you get stuck just ask for a few tips. Humans get a bunch of coaching when we're learning, there's no reason you should have to go without.