Get ready for a doozy of a whiny-ass super storytime, Mark.]
Sooooo, first of all? My beautiful, smart, and funny now ex-girlfriend dumped my stupid ass for smashin' our mutual teammate and friend! Now, not only does said teammate know eeeexactly what my dick looks and feels like, I also go toe-to-toe with her every damn day! And y'know what, when Samson or Robot have got their eyes on us, she usually doesn't fire at the crown jewels but the minute they're off peekin' in another direction or starin' into the sunset, she just goes all ham on me!
You know what it's like to get hit in the 'nads by the superhero equivalent of a regular ol' blackbelt? The girl might be tiny, but Kate's built like a brick house and is a martial arts champion. Also?! Since she can feel everysingle one of her clones die every time, it's like she doesn't even know the meaning of the word "pain!" She just blazes right on through it! And then kicks me in the cajones all over again.
Not fun! Let me tell ya.
[Rex crosses his arms.]
Right before we got sent out to deal with the Daft Punk reject and super scary giant space hairball, Samson and I got into a fight. Okay, so we like, always fight, but this one was par-tic-ularly nasty. I definitely said some things I shouldn't've said!
And now I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. Not in one piece! Monster Girl either! I know it may not seem like it, but... Like, I care about them, okay? My family's a fuckin' nightmare. So, when I say "fam" in a motherfuckin' group chat, the folks I'm talkin' about are the other Guardians! The ex-Teen Team! Those guys.
They're my real family.
[Here, Rex pulls his knees up to his chest.]
I wasn't strong enough to keep them safe. Or you! How the fuck am I supposed to be responsible for the whole planet, huh?
And, and, and! To make matters worse, now I'm in this shithole. Nobody here's got a sense of humor, so many of them are dumber than dirt, and none of them like me! Not that the last part is somethin' new, but I can't sleep, can't wax my mustache or my armpit hair, and I'm gettin' uglier by the second. And I hate bein' ugly! The hot boy summer even into the perilous Chicago winter bullshit is all I've got goin' for me.
[A pause. Finally.]
I also miss making out.
[Please don't say the next few words, no, have some decency, no-]
no subject
[Wow, that is a loud inhalation.
Get ready for a doozy of a whiny-ass super storytime, Mark.]
Sooooo, first of all? My beautiful, smart, and funny now ex-girlfriend dumped my stupid ass for smashin' our mutual teammate and friend! Now, not only does said teammate know eeeexactly what my dick looks and feels like, I also go toe-to-toe with her every damn day! And y'know what, when Samson or Robot have got their eyes on us, she usually doesn't fire at the crown jewels but the minute they're off peekin' in another direction or starin' into the sunset, she just goes all ham on me!
You know what it's like to get hit in the 'nads by the superhero equivalent of a regular ol' blackbelt? The girl might be tiny, but Kate's built like a brick house and is a martial arts champion. Also?! Since she can feel every single one of her clones die every time, it's like she doesn't even know the meaning of the word "pain!" She just blazes right on through it! And then kicks me in the cajones all over again.
Not fun! Let me tell ya.
[Rex crosses his arms.]
Right before we got sent out to deal with the Daft Punk reject and super scary giant space hairball, Samson and I got into a fight. Okay, so we like, always fight, but this one was par-tic-ularly nasty. I definitely said some things I shouldn't've said!
And now I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. Not in one piece! Monster Girl either! I know it may not seem like it, but... Like, I care about them, okay? My family's a fuckin' nightmare. So, when I say "fam" in a motherfuckin' group chat, the folks I'm talkin' about are the other Guardians! The ex-Teen Team! Those guys.
They're my real family.
[Here, Rex pulls his knees up to his chest.]
I wasn't strong enough to keep them safe. Or you! How the fuck am I supposed to be responsible for the whole planet, huh?
And, and, and! To make matters worse, now I'm in this shithole. Nobody here's got a sense of humor, so many of them are dumber than dirt, and none of them like me! Not that the last part is somethin' new, but I can't sleep, can't wax my mustache or my armpit hair, and I'm gettin' uglier by the second. And I hate bein' ugly! The hot boy summer even into the perilous Chicago winter bullshit is all I've got goin' for me.
[A pause. Finally.]
I also miss making out.
[Please don't say the next few words, no, have some decency, no-]
And titties.
[MR. SPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]